I've been wanting to write this post for a while.
But I know you were dying to see my other Halloween costume....
If you've read this post, or this post, and even this post, you would know that I've got lots of issues in the self-esteem department.
It's a daily struggle with weight loss, I obsess over what the scales say, and instead of seeing the changes in my body, I see the fat that is still there.
When I started my weight loss goal, I was incredibly healthy about every decision I made, I wanted it to be a life change. And I still make excellent decisions about my weight loss. I still want those same things.
Don't get me wrong. It's hard. I miss the Chuy's creamy jalapeno by the truck load and the carbs that I used to eat in abundance, but in reality, I needed to make a change for me. I wanted to be better.
But I got caught up in the weight loss. I got incredibly caught up in the number on the scale. I was ready for the change to happen. Being motivated isn't bad. But being motivated to a fault is.
I began doing something that I'd never done before. I had the beginnings of an eating disorder and it was coming on strong. I was chewing my food and then spitting it out before even swallowing it. I even did research. I read about how many calories you actually ingested when you did that. I didn't see the issue. I mean, I was eating. I was chewing food, I just wasn't swallowing it. I was fulfilled. I wasn't hungry.
I didn't see the issue.
Now here's the thing. I was losing weight RAPIDLY. Pounds were flying off of me. And don't get me wrong, I was eating. If I was in front of people. But if I was alone, and could, I would spit my food out. When I got on the scales each morning I did a happy dance.
I was obsessive with my research on the topic. If I set my mind to something, I do it. Unfortunately, its just not always something positive. Everything was fine, until one day, after an intense work out, I saw stars flashing before my eyes.I was lightheaded, couldn't lift my arms, and if I sat up too quickly, I was going to blackout. I mentally started thinking about what I'd had to eat that day....nothing. I hadn't swallowed anything. I'd just completed an intense Insanity workout and if I had ingested more than 50 calories that day, I would be surprised. I scared myself.
Since then, I don't do this anymore. I eat. I just watch what I do eat more carefully. I'm more intentional about writing down what I eat. And have sought counseling on the issue, because I don't want anything to do with the damage that I was doing to my body.
My intention of writing this post isn't for sympathy. It's more about me wanting you to realize that dieting is hard. Body image is the devil. So many people have written me and wanted to know how I've done it. How I've lost all this weight. And I intend to write more posts about HOW I've lost weight the HEALTHY way.
And I still want to be healthy, make those excellent decisions and keep implementing this lifestyle change that I WANT for myself. I have 18 pesky pounds that I still need to lose, and have every intention of losing by the time Christmas rolls around.
If you think you have a problem, stop before you even start, seek help and don't do damage to your body. This is the only body that God has given you, you should probably be nice to it.
10 comments:
I got to this point too...not the chewing and spitting out, but the obsessing. I totally get the obsession with what you're eating and how it becomes more hurtful than healthy. Going out to dinner with my husband for a period in time was stressful and sometimes I wanted to cry if there wasn't a low enough calorie option in the menu. Date nights weren't even fun because so many activities center around food! It's tough finding the balance, but I'll take the extra 5 lbs without the food anxiety. You look great! Thanks for sharing!
You are pretty damn amazing for putting this all out there, you are always so shiny and positive that I would never in a million years guessed that you struggled with something like this! I'm glad you shared and know that I'm here if you ever need anything, but I'm so glad that you came to a realization and are getting help bc that is really scary :(
I'm SO glad you realized that it was becoming a problem before you did any lasting damage! Thank you for sharing this piece of your heart so openly. Wishing you the best as you continue the weight loss journey in a healthy, positive way!:) You're doing great!!!
This post seriously just brought up so many emotions for me & I think you are one incredible lady for being so open & honest about this. You are absolutely beautiful inside & out!!! :)
<3 Melissa
I've done the same thing girl, you are not alone! I think we all deal with the self-esteem issue on a daily basis, because are expected to be something we are not.
I am proud of you for realizing what is right for you and lving a healthy lifestyle.
and of course for putting yourself out there and sharing with all of us:)
I totally know where u you are coming from! i have a thryroid problem so i gained over 60 pounds in one year! sometimes i wake up feeling so bad but i thankfully i have a husband who always makes me feel beautiful even if im a little chunky monkey! YOu are so beautiful and so strong for being able to put this out there! Its great to know that you are being healthy now!
Stay strong beautiful
XoXo
glammedbytarin.blogspot.com
That's so incredible that you were able to notice the problem before it got worse. Many people would have ignored it until they were unable to control it. Not to mention, it take a lot of courage to admit it to people and use your story to help others.
I deal with self-esteem issues every single day. It sucks and I wish I had the face, hair & body of so many people that I see on the internet, but I guess I have to just play the cards that were dealt.
Thanks for sharing :)
Thanks for posting this, Brookie- I think this happens to us all at one point or another. I became obsessive about this, probably around your age - maybe 23? I picked up running and saw the pounds MELT off. I became obsessed with calorie counting and not putting anything into my mouth unless I knew exactly how many calories it contained - this is just no way to live, the anxiety you put on yourself doing this is unreal. You look gorgeous, child!
Good for you seeing what was happening before it was harder to turn back. You are worth HEALTHY...good luck girl.
girl. first: congrats on being able to write this. no one really talks about their inner struggles.
second: i am proud of you for seeking help and working on this.
i struggle with the self esteem body issues but i found it easiest to never get on a scale. outside of the doctors office i haven't stepped on a scale in over 10 years. it helps. i focus on how i feel and what i can do different o feel better. it works for me.
but serious girl...job well done.
cheeriosandbeer
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